"Frozen Angles"

I'm in the middle of watching a documentary on Netflix called Frozen Angels and I JUST stopped my fears. What amazed me is how I have been trying to down play what my role is and how amazing I truly am for what I am doing. It just ridiculous how I don't want to call attention to myself as a surrogate because I don't want to draw any extra attention. I feel this stemmed from the last surrogacy. It wasn't that long ago and what struck me from the movie was, after the surrogate gave back the baby, she sat in the bed... Alone. THAT is the toughest part of it all. After the birth, you (the surrogate) are not important anymore. You've done your job;you're  unneeded. The fabulous ride feels over. It upsets me now because I know I have irrational heartache from surrogacy that I currently try to be even more reserved or detached so that, when this amazing journey is over, I'm not upset of its ends. I remember crying right after my first surrobabies birth and hugging my husband knowing that my job was done. Amazing yet final.  It's hard not to feel special and needed anymore. I KNOW that her family is grateful and I know that  her life would not exist without me and I KNOW I am amazing to being able to give them that... I just am not sure why I feel like hiding this. 

I'm a surrogacy success! Two pregnancies and only two transfers.  One healthy baby born so far and one growing strong. No complications. No issues. We have been lucky. 

I am going to remember what lead me here. I'm a Surrogate because I want to give to someone in a way that many cannot. I want to help someone that difficulty getting pregnant and felt there may have been no help.  I want to see the face of these wonderful people when I give them back their gift. I want to know I did something amazing with my life. 

I want to feel better now and I think I do. Yay! 

Bedtime Routine

So, I really do not enjoy going to bed. I mean, I do like sleeping A LOT but the bedtime routine that must occur daily is becoming painstaking. Here it goes..

First, I stay up pretty late... Hey, I'm a teacher and off for the summer, I think I can get my night owl hours in. By the time I'm about to pass out, I fill up my 54 oz. Buccee's Beaver cup with ice water and head upstairs. In a daze, I think about how much fun it is going to be to fall onto my pillow... then... awww man! I forgot, I have to take ALL my medicine!

I enter my bathroom, flip on the very bright light. I have to open my little Sterilite box of goodies. My box has syringes/needles (big scary needles for drawing out the meds and not so nice needles that poke me with meds), prenatal vitamins, sticky patches, alcohol wipes, wart-sized band-aids, and some other stuff.

Step One - Take all syringes and needles from sterile packages and put in a pile
Step Two - Open alcohol wipe in a very special way that it CANNOT touch the counter.
Step Three - Alcohol wipe my PIO bottle and replace wipe for later.
Step Four - Take out scary needled syringe and pull out 1 ml of Progesterone in Oil without any bubbles.
                   [I love the word bubble but I do NOT want any in my syringe!]
Step Five - Change out scary needle for poky 1" needle (I used to use a 1.5" needle but it sucked and I had     them give me the smaller one. Try keeping an extra half inch still, behind you back, with your left hand, and you cannot really see... It was pretty bad and bloody at times!
Step Six - Alcohol wipe my behind in a location that is not currently painful, swollen, itchy, red, or a place I know will automatically bleed when stuck.
Step Seven - remove any bubbles and re-wipe bottom AGAIN because I already forgot where I was going to stick it!
Step Eight - Stick myself. Pull back to make sure I haven't hit a vein. THEN push this thick, uncomfortable liquid into my butt. I prey that I do not hit any difficulties.
     Troubles that I have had in the past
          a. It hurts way to much to even push meds in... remove and try again.
          b. Stick and keep pushing through the pain.
          c. stick but realize that no matter what you do NOTHING IS HAPPENING! Stick again!
          d. Stick and feel pretty good about it but then have blood gushing out of your rear because you
               suck at locating the right spot!
          e. Heat the medicine in "warm water," like the nurses suggest but find out days later that the
              excruciating pain that you have been feeling is NOT from your butt or the meds but the fact  
              that I BOILED THE CRAP out of my syringe and am actually burning my insides!
          f. You don't feel any pain, other than initial stick, and are pretty much numb to any sensations because
              my cheeks and nerves are now dead!
Step Nine - Get a bit excited that you may not have any discomfort
Step Ten - Grab 1 square of toilet paper (which must be folded in half - OCD) because I should have      
             already grab that during step two.
Step Ten & a Half - Walk with needle sticking halfway out my butt and waddle over to the toilet to get
             paper square.
Step Eleven - Pull out needle VERY slowly, then use paper square to rub injection sight with wrist, really,
             Really, REALLY hard for a few minutes.
Step Twelve - Clean Up Time - Take all needles and place them in Sharp's container; Syringe in ziplock bag
             under sink, while my panties are still hanging off my butt. Put my perfectly opened wipe, sterile
             packaging, bloody tissue, and anything else left over in the trash.
Step Thirteen - Smell wrist! I know this is weird but the medicine has a really nasty smell and I smell to see if
             it left stink on my wrist. Honestly, it really makes me gag but I do it almost every time. I also make
             others that may be around smell it too... Just for giggles!
Step Fourteen - Pop all my pills - 2 Prenatals, benadryl, and estradiol tab under tongue.
Step Fifteen - Finally get in bed but find out that they only position I can sleep in is on my back. My sides  
             hurt too bad to lay on either and my boobs (HA) are too big to lay on. Wait patiently for sleep!

So... Now you know how I have ended my day the last 8 weeks and for another 2 to 3 weeks and I am so looking forward to it!

8 week ultrasound!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rixVvPVbuBo

July 7th... Always Behind!

My hips hurt. My butt injections hurt. I have a tummy ache and all I feel like doing is complaining. My hips feel as if they are going to pop off like barbies legs do! Oh well, I'll try to stay positive. 

What is really funny about being a surrogate for the second time is... I don't really enjoy being pregnant. Sometimes, yes, pregnancy has its pros but right now... I don't have any. I don't have any cravings; more food evasions than anything. I don't want or like things. I was supposed to make salad the other day but I didn't want to eat salad or anything at all. I make sure to eat SOMETHING because I know it's not good to skip but I would rather skip meals and just drink tons of water. I'm thirsty as all hell, all day long, which leads my to the potty every 15 minutes! 

Something that has been bothering me lately is I don't like how negative I've been feeling towards the idea of surrogacy. What I mean is, I've been awkward towards people that ask because I don't know what they're thinking. I really just have to get over what others think and just say to truth. I am a surrogate because it is what I'm supposed to do. I went through difficulties that lead me on this path and how happy it makes someone else. Yet, I feel that people are looking at it as "she must be doing this for the money," "she should have waited... It's too soon to do this again," or even the phrase "what you're doing is amazing." I don't know why, positive or negative, I become awkward to comments. I have difficulty responding to comments.  I just don't feel like this is an extremely bad or good thing... It's just what I have to do. This may seem odd but these are the thoughts that plague my over-emotional brain right now. 

Along with, I wish I could stop my injections. I leave for San Diego on the 18th and would really like to travel needle-less! I also have to give blood while I'm on vacation and maybe even an ultrasound with some random doctors I've never met. That's one thing about surrogacy... Modesty is not an option. My main doctor is not even the doctor that did the egg transfer. I met a different doctor that same day, "hi, nice to meet you... Now, Spread um!" 

Mid-posting all my other thoughts from my iPhone notes... My stupid cat bumped my finger and my 2 previous posts were copied over! Thanks cat! Grrrr! More to come, undetected soon.