I don't wanna be pregnant...

So... I was complaining to Manuel about being pregnant because I was thinking about how uncomfortable I'm getting and dreading labor and delivery again. He definitely cheered me up. He didn't make things better but slime times you need a realistic laugh to get you refocused. He said...

You know how sometimes you're running and running too fast. You trip and fall but you're falling VERY slowly. You can see yourself falling. You know what's gonna happen but you can't really stop it. 

It was A LOT funnier coming from him but, honestly, I can't really NOT be pregnant. It's a little too late. 

A Whole Lot of Shaking Goin' On!

So, it's pretty clear that this little man wants out. I'm only about 22 weeks along and I think, this being my 4th pregnancy, that my uterus is a bit more "limber" than most baby pockets. I feel him all up in the ribs, in the side, low in my vagina... he's taking up all my insides, I can barely breath. I'm wondering if I can fit much more in there. Honestly, I know, the worst is yet to come. He was a little over 1 pound at 20 weeks and I'm suprised because Babycenter tells me that he should have only been about 3/4th pound. Why? Why? WHY do I make monster babies? Somehow this baby will come out 8 lbs or bigger and I don't think it's even possible!

Well, to top off the elasticity of my stomach. My tear ducts continue to be "limber" as well. I am still a running water fountain. I have so many things constantly on my mind, it makes it really hard to learn how to cope with NOT THINKING. I lack motivation to do much because I end up doing too much and it just stresses me out. Here, I'll give you a run down of my life since the school year began. Hopefully you care, because if you don't it really DOENS'T MATTER... Just stop reading now!

At my old campus, I worked with people that were pretty flexible and were open to new ideas. We worked really well together and I never felt as if I was pushing them to do anything. They would tell me I had really good, creative ideas. I guess I wasn't pushy because we were all on the same page of working together and having a common goal for our students. I never had to worry about watching others do fun activities and not sharing their lessons. We didn't hide things or not want to make copies because we were too lazy or whatever. WELL.... not the case here. I could be blind to it but I feel that I am now talking to air. People are not open to my ideas becuase THEY ARE MINE! I feel like they think I'm a know-it-all goodie two shoes and any suggestion I have goes in one ear and out the other. It's a difficult feeling because I know I'm pretty good at what I do, yet I'm being overlooked or ignored. It's, pardon my language... SHITTY!
Oh, but that's not all! I am not a self-contained teacher, which means I have moved from just teaching Math/Science/Social Studies, I have to now teach Language Arts. I am doing pretty well with it but this aspect of teaching involves tons of testing... reading levels, word recogintion, constant monitoring that I"m not used to that somehow HAS to be completed while still teaching everything else. I don't have an aide, I don't get help, and I have a team that is struggling with handling their own business, they aren't available to help others. I'm a NEW TEACHER all over again. Fun stuff, I know!
There is another major concern that I have no control over that constantly comes into play and as much as I try not to think about the possibilities, make is hard to push aside. Sorry for not being able to ellaborate further but you can only imagine.
Family life is difficult. Manuel has been working a lot and his schedule or continuous change in his schedule makes it difficult for me to want to plan a week out. Will he be home? Will he be eating dinner with us? What time will I actually leave work to come home? Am I doing the right thing by my kids?
If I was a more confident person, I would know the answers to all these questions. Shut up, make a desicion, and stop dewelling on things I cannot control. Stop crying over things that I am unable to fix. Why gripe? Just do me, take care of what is important... My family! Find a way to work and still keep my job and stop worrying about the crazies I deal with at work.

After typing this up... I'm realizing my life is not that terrible and, maybe just maybe, tomorrow might be a great day! =)

Cry me a river!

All I do is want to cry... All day, everyday, for no "good" reason. There are ALWAYS reasons to cry but they're never good. So here's my list. I cry because...

I watch something sad.

I watched something cute. 

I saw something that reminded me of something sad or cute. 

I am upset because I cannot focus. 

Its hard transferring schools. 

... Don't know to teach anything anymore...

... Can't adjust to a new environment...

... I don't know my place and can't really be myself..

... Everything sucks!!!

I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing at all times of the day. 

I cannot make a decision to save my life. 

I have a really small "life" plate and I put way too much crap on it and it all just falls off the pile. 

I feel like a horrible mother. 

I can only do so much. 

I want to do more. 

I miss my friends and normality. 

I want ice cream...

I have no other reason BUT to cry. 

That is my thought process and why I seem to cry rivers daily. 

I feel out of control and hate my emotional instability. 

I don't  think this is a surrogacy thing... Just a random pregnant thing. 

It's unacceptable! 

Consistently Inconsistent!

So as you can tell... I SUCK at staying on top of this blog. Since we visited San Diego, I've completely turned off everything. Over the last few weeks, my stomach has been HORRIBLE. I've been nauseous all hours of the day. If I didn't know I was pregnant by now, I would have figured it out. I did change the prenatals I take and when I take them and it seems to have helped a bit. Throwing up is just not fun. 

I have been lazy too. Nothing new for me if you ask my husband. All the things I had planned to do this summer have not occurred! I did not...

Print pictures

Sell a bunch of stuff on Facebook

Start any of my children's book ideas

Teach Lily (my daughter) how to cook and how to sing 

Start Christmas shopping

Make homemade body scrub

Organize the house

Get a jump start on teaching reading... 

AND EVERYTHING ELSE I OVER PLANNED FOR!!!!

It's just very sad. I feel as though I have been less than productive and I can only imagine how tired I'm going to be once school starts again. 

My first day back to work is tomorrow and I am excited to get back into the swim of things but am not so thrilled with how exhausted I going to be once I get home. A whole week of sitting and learning really forces you to honk about being a better teacher because you remember how much YOU hade sitting and listening. 

Oh well! Wish me luck! I have about 6ish more months of pregnancy and, hopefully by then, I'll know what I'm doing! 

One last thing... Last week, I was discharged to my Personal OBGYN, and we went to our first regular appointment (no IVF doctor anymore) and we took a blood test for genetic testing. This test will check for Down syndrome, birth defects, AND determine the babies sex! Pretty amazing I thought! I told the baby mama (lol) that, with all the sickness I've been feeling, this little monster is probably a boy. She groaned. I've old her before about how much "fun" boys are and I think I've scared her! We will wait and see. We should find out the results no later than Friday. That's all for now. 

"Frozen Angles"

I'm in the middle of watching a documentary on Netflix called Frozen Angels and I JUST stopped my fears. What amazed me is how I have been trying to down play what my role is and how amazing I truly am for what I am doing. It just ridiculous how I don't want to call attention to myself as a surrogate because I don't want to draw any extra attention. I feel this stemmed from the last surrogacy. It wasn't that long ago and what struck me from the movie was, after the surrogate gave back the baby, she sat in the bed... Alone. THAT is the toughest part of it all. After the birth, you (the surrogate) are not important anymore. You've done your job;you're  unneeded. The fabulous ride feels over. It upsets me now because I know I have irrational heartache from surrogacy that I currently try to be even more reserved or detached so that, when this amazing journey is over, I'm not upset of its ends. I remember crying right after my first surrobabies birth and hugging my husband knowing that my job was done. Amazing yet final.  It's hard not to feel special and needed anymore. I KNOW that her family is grateful and I know that  her life would not exist without me and I KNOW I am amazing to being able to give them that... I just am not sure why I feel like hiding this. 

I'm a surrogacy success! Two pregnancies and only two transfers.  One healthy baby born so far and one growing strong. No complications. No issues. We have been lucky. 

I am going to remember what lead me here. I'm a Surrogate because I want to give to someone in a way that many cannot. I want to help someone that difficulty getting pregnant and felt there may have been no help.  I want to see the face of these wonderful people when I give them back their gift. I want to know I did something amazing with my life. 

I want to feel better now and I think I do. Yay! 

Bedtime Routine

So, I really do not enjoy going to bed. I mean, I do like sleeping A LOT but the bedtime routine that must occur daily is becoming painstaking. Here it goes..

First, I stay up pretty late... Hey, I'm a teacher and off for the summer, I think I can get my night owl hours in. By the time I'm about to pass out, I fill up my 54 oz. Buccee's Beaver cup with ice water and head upstairs. In a daze, I think about how much fun it is going to be to fall onto my pillow... then... awww man! I forgot, I have to take ALL my medicine!

I enter my bathroom, flip on the very bright light. I have to open my little Sterilite box of goodies. My box has syringes/needles (big scary needles for drawing out the meds and not so nice needles that poke me with meds), prenatal vitamins, sticky patches, alcohol wipes, wart-sized band-aids, and some other stuff.

Step One - Take all syringes and needles from sterile packages and put in a pile
Step Two - Open alcohol wipe in a very special way that it CANNOT touch the counter.
Step Three - Alcohol wipe my PIO bottle and replace wipe for later.
Step Four - Take out scary needled syringe and pull out 1 ml of Progesterone in Oil without any bubbles.
                   [I love the word bubble but I do NOT want any in my syringe!]
Step Five - Change out scary needle for poky 1" needle (I used to use a 1.5" needle but it sucked and I had     them give me the smaller one. Try keeping an extra half inch still, behind you back, with your left hand, and you cannot really see... It was pretty bad and bloody at times!
Step Six - Alcohol wipe my behind in a location that is not currently painful, swollen, itchy, red, or a place I know will automatically bleed when stuck.
Step Seven - remove any bubbles and re-wipe bottom AGAIN because I already forgot where I was going to stick it!
Step Eight - Stick myself. Pull back to make sure I haven't hit a vein. THEN push this thick, uncomfortable liquid into my butt. I prey that I do not hit any difficulties.
     Troubles that I have had in the past
          a. It hurts way to much to even push meds in... remove and try again.
          b. Stick and keep pushing through the pain.
          c. stick but realize that no matter what you do NOTHING IS HAPPENING! Stick again!
          d. Stick and feel pretty good about it but then have blood gushing out of your rear because you
               suck at locating the right spot!
          e. Heat the medicine in "warm water," like the nurses suggest but find out days later that the
              excruciating pain that you have been feeling is NOT from your butt or the meds but the fact  
              that I BOILED THE CRAP out of my syringe and am actually burning my insides!
          f. You don't feel any pain, other than initial stick, and are pretty much numb to any sensations because
              my cheeks and nerves are now dead!
Step Nine - Get a bit excited that you may not have any discomfort
Step Ten - Grab 1 square of toilet paper (which must be folded in half - OCD) because I should have      
             already grab that during step two.
Step Ten & a Half - Walk with needle sticking halfway out my butt and waddle over to the toilet to get
             paper square.
Step Eleven - Pull out needle VERY slowly, then use paper square to rub injection sight with wrist, really,
             Really, REALLY hard for a few minutes.
Step Twelve - Clean Up Time - Take all needles and place them in Sharp's container; Syringe in ziplock bag
             under sink, while my panties are still hanging off my butt. Put my perfectly opened wipe, sterile
             packaging, bloody tissue, and anything else left over in the trash.
Step Thirteen - Smell wrist! I know this is weird but the medicine has a really nasty smell and I smell to see if
             it left stink on my wrist. Honestly, it really makes me gag but I do it almost every time. I also make
             others that may be around smell it too... Just for giggles!
Step Fourteen - Pop all my pills - 2 Prenatals, benadryl, and estradiol tab under tongue.
Step Fifteen - Finally get in bed but find out that they only position I can sleep in is on my back. My sides  
             hurt too bad to lay on either and my boobs (HA) are too big to lay on. Wait patiently for sleep!

So... Now you know how I have ended my day the last 8 weeks and for another 2 to 3 weeks and I am so looking forward to it!

8 week ultrasound!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rixVvPVbuBo